Canadians are better than you


yes…this guy is

My name is Peter. I’m an American. And I love Canadians.

It may be that Canadians have a propensity for creating superior crunchy, processed cheese products (see what I mean here). It may just be the downright feel-good nature of the Canadian aura. I love it all, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Over here in the states, we tend to peer over our northern border with our noses turned up, mocking their simpler life, better health-care, and undeterred hockey obsession. They are every bit of all those things, and while they may be best known for what Terrance and Phillip might do on South Park, there are many things people don’t know about Canadians. For the sake of your misguided perception, I’m going to let you in on the secret, but be warned, you are probably going to want to move to Canada after you read this.

Canadians are funnier than you

“I think I told her I wanted to lick her like an ice-cream cone.”

This particular reminiscence came out of left field the morning after a friends wedding in British Columbia. The comment was hilarious and disturbing in it’s own right, but add in the fact that it was said by the 50 year old aunt of your friend and you’ve got a recipe for soiled undergarments. Canadians are hilarious. I haven’t quite figured out why yet, but they are quicker, louder and better story tellers than us Yanks. They are even more unintentionally funny than we are, as clearly demonstrated by the previously mentioned quote. If I could guess, the reason for their comedic superiority comes from a volatile mix of two things: drinking and…drinking. Which brings me to my next point…

Canadians can drink more than you

And they do. You’d think the stringent, socialist control on the alcohol prices and availability in Canada would deter its citizens from tipping back a bottle or five. You’d be wrong.  I went to a Canadian aquarium and found myself saying, “that fish drinks like a Canadian.” Okay, I never actually said that, nor have I ever been to a Canadian aquarium, but for the sake of jokes let’s say I did.

To their credit, they are much more pleasant drunks to be around than we are. Americans, sadly, are better known for their fist pumping, fight starting, dead-faced blackout drinking binges, where as Canadians maintain light-hearted, ‘I love you man,’ shit-eating grin blackout drinking binges. It actually teeters on endearing. For my personal tastes, the latter is much more fun to be around. Then again, I don’t live in Miami Beach.

Canadians are more current than you

It’s been my experience that the average Canadian knows more about American politics than the average American does. This is another sad revelation that probably says more about us than it does about them. Furthermore, the average American knows NOTHING about Canadian politics or current events, myself included. Granted, Stephen Harper (seen here making my last point) has less of an effect on our lives than Barack Obama might have on theirs, but that doesn’t negate the fact that there seems to be an eagerness to be informed that’s hard to find south of the border (not Mexico).

As I mentioned, I know nothing about the Canadian government other than the fact that they have socialist healthcare, among other public services. This might scare a lot of us free-trade, Capitalism purists, but it seems to be working pretty well for them. I’m going to stop myself before I dive head first down that rabbit hole; I just wanted to put it out there that Canada does in fact have an organized system of government, and in all likelihood it’s just as good as ours.

Canadians are bigger sports fans than you

I’m guessing that some, if not most of you would consider yourselves to be sports fans. You probably dabble in basketball or golf, perhaps you are overly passionate about football or baseball. Take all that sports energy that you spread across four or five sports, and concentrate it on one. This is the crazed, fanatical and sometimes frightening hold hockey has on Canada. And it’s awesome.

I’ve heard many Canadians go as far as saying the Canada vs. USA hockey gold metal game at the 2010 Winter Olympics was the biggest sporting event in Canadian history. That’s a bold statement, but I believe it. In fact, if USA had won, I’m pretty sure the entire country of Canada would have spontaneously combusted. It’s a good thing it didn’t though, or else I’d have nowhere to get good poutine (don’t be gross, look it up).

.  .  .  .  .  .  .

So there you have it. Canadians are better than you. Spend enough time around them and you will begin to realize it too, eh?


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